did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
