I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
