I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize