Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
