i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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