im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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