Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
