haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You pole danced in your parka.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
