i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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