I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I could fuck to npr.
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