I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize