Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
