Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
