It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my being single is dangerous.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
