its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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