I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
