did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
