I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i think i just lost a toe
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
