I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
