also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
