god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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