just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
God, you're like boner-b-gone
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
