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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
