K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
