You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
