90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
