just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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