We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
