Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i love accidental penises.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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