I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
