he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
