I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
