I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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