Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
