Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
