First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
