If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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