I am spending my child support on dildos
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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