Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize