dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
