Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't put those talents on a resume
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize