my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
