i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
