just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
