If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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