i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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