i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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