all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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