remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
