Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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