I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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