When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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