Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
