no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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