when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize