Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
