I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
