sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Someone came in the potted fern
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
