when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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