is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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